After last Friday's good test results, I should be feeling a sense of relief and relaxtion.  Instead, neither Mohamed nor I have been on our game for the last couple of weeks.  Last week, when I skipped writing an entry, it was because I didn't have the energy or enthusiasm to write about anything: nothing in particular angered or amused me, nothing in the daily routine had changed.  In fact, even in the days leading up to the tests, I wasn't particularly involved in what was about to happen.  In e-mails, I sometimes wrote that I felt more apprehension than usual, and while I guess that was true (more tests equal more chances for something ugly to show up), I really didn't spend much time at all thinking about the tests.  In part, it was just that the tests have been so regular, so much a part of the new normal, that it was hard to work up much by way of expectations.  Even the day of the tests, after they were completed, rather than worrying about what the results would be, I was more preoccupied with how to fill the time, where to get some good coffee, and how I was going to stay awake until Dr. Van appeared.  When we finally got the results, there wasn't a sense of euphoria or even a big sigh of relief.  It was more like, ok, the routine resumes, and there are no decisions to be made.

In the days that have followed, instead of feeling energized, I've been lethargic.  It's back to the train-train quotidien which is fine, but hardly exciting.  In part, I'll blame the weather and a touch of SAD.  Although we've had a few sunny days here and there, it's mainly been gray, wet, and chilly.  Today's normal high should be 69º; instead we're in the low 30s with a mix of rain, snow, and sleet forecast.   The cabin fever continues.  In part, the national news is discouraging.  The Senate couldn't even pass a pathetically weak bill on background checks for guns despite overwhelming popular support and getting more than a majority of votes of in the Senate--the filibuster again.  And it wasn't going to pass the House anyway.  The "shameful" failure was drowned out by coverage of the Boston bombings, and even they are becoming politicized: the McCain/Graham duo wants Tsarnaev tried as an "enemy combatant" (or at least to make some political hay in demanding that), and Rand Paul, among others, says that because the brothers were immigrants, we need to slow down on immigration reform.

Meanwhile, Mohamed is having a very hard semester and is deriving not a moment's pleasure from his classes.  It's been one giant project after another, all intermingled with quizzes and exams.  He's not into it at all.  The only consolation is that there are fewer than two weeks of classes left, and then after finals, there's a three-month break.  And after that, he needs only fifteen more hours to graduate.  But I think he's feeling the confinement of the daily routine even more than I am.  It's difficult to watch and to be unable to help.  "It'll be ok" or "this too shall pass" aren't really all that helpful.

And I've just had trouble getting my ass in gear.  I haven't picked up Infinite Jest in a month now.  I started a giant cross-stitch project, but once I'd finished the time-consuming, intricate, but not very interesting border, I've ignored the project, which should now be both more interesting and more difficult.  I know that three hours after I take my morning chemo, I'm going to crash for an hour and that shortly after lunch I'm going to crash again for two hours.  Those are big chunks of the day that interrupt any momentum I might have achieved.

So, although of course we were pleased with Friday's results, we both need to shake ourselves out of our ruts.  Ah, the rain has turned to sleet while I wrote this.  That's a cheerful development.